The Good Husband

By Lu Ann Staheli

Husbands are commanded: “… love your wives, even as Christ also loveth the church, and gave himself for it.” (Ephesians 5:25) Perhaps because we were older when we married, or maybe because my husband had good parents, or simply because of the man my husband grew to be from his life experiences, but when it comes to loving husbands, I am truly blessed. I have one of those husbands who gives freely of himself to ensure that I know how much he cares for me.

Our years together have not always been easy. Occasional squabbles, misunderstandings, and differing philosophies of handling money, parenting, and interacting with extended family have come to us just like they do with everyone else, but through each trial, we continue to have mutual respect and love for one another.

We live in a world that seems to have forgotten the principles of common courtesy. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for the rudeness that surrounds us to slip into our homes and relationships if we aren’t careful. Love begets love, and unless we remain aware of the ways we treat each other, we may find ourselves moving apart instead of staying together. This can also be true within families and friendships, not just with romantic relationships and marriages.

As equal partners, wives can take the lead in keeping relationships strong by helping her husband become the good husband she hoped for when she married.

1. Be friends. My mother always told me “marry your best friend,” and it was great advice. If you aren’t good friends, the kind who can simply sit together and enjoy the company, then you’ll soon find it easier to slip away from the closeness a marriage needs to survive. Remind yourselves of those fun things you used to do before you were married, before there were children, monthly bills, and other obligations that took you away from time spent together. Plan at least fifteen minutes to talk with each other each day. Schedule this into your planner and consider it sacred time. Do the same for a weekly or bi-monthly date. This time is important, and it keeps the two of you closer for those days once the children have married and gone.

2. Tell him what you need. Men are not mind-readers, and all too often women assume their husband already knows how they feel. When you don’t share your feelings with your husband, he will often either remain unaware or completely misinterpret what you are thinking. Either way, his reaction, or lack thereof, can force a wedge between the two of you. Men like to fix things; women want to be listened to, not lectured at. Let your husband know when you need a listening ear, someone to bounce ideas off of, or just a place to vent, rather than having him step in and try to fix it for you. Tell him right from the start what you need, before you dive into expressing your emotions.

3. Let him be the hunter and gatherer. Men were born to provide for their family, and even if you make more money than he does, let him take the lead when it comes to going forth and bringing home the provisions. My husband does the grocery shopping, but even if yours leaves this task for you ask him what he would like for meals. At family time, have your husband call the children together for meals, family prayer, and other family-oriented activities. As the head of the family, this is part of his job, to gather his tribe.

4. Let him make mistakes without tearing down his ego. Probably the most common negative image wives have borne throughout history is that of being a nag. You know the adage: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. When we treat our husbands with respect, they give us respect in return. Nagging is not a quality of respect.

5. Be the Good Wife. Know what your husband wants from you. Despite the fact that those June Cleaver days are far behind us, husbands still have expectations for their wives. They like to see us look nice, smell nice, and talk nice. They don’t want to come home to a frump, a schlump, or a grump. Take a few minutes before your husband is due home to tidy yourself up, put on a happy face, and welcome him home. A husband who is greeted rather than attacked at the door will try harder to be a better husband for you.

Because I am a wife, I speak to wives, although these same suggestions can be applied in some respects to dating relationships, friendships, or other situations in which women must communicate with men.

As in all things, we get back what we give, and giving yourself as a good wife will do more to get you back a good husband than anything. In the words of the Lord, “love one another, as I have loved you,” and the world, and your family, will be a better place.

Simplify as You Magnify

By Lu Ann Staheli

It often seems the more ways we invent to simplify our lives, the more complicated our lives become. Technology allows us to make contact with others from almost anywhere, resulting in less time away from the concerns of work. Household appliances reduce the workload, while giving us an opportunity to use even more specialized equipment to complete each task. Automobiles are high tech, ready to tell us when every fuel, oil, and air level must be checked, meaning we spend additional time taking the car in to have those indicator lights turned off. Life has become a rat race all in the process of simplification.

It’s no wonder we sigh when we hear church leaders tell us to “magnify our callings.” To members of the priesthood, the late Elder Delbert L. Stapley of the Quorum of the Twelve once observed: “There are two main requirements of this oath and covenant. First is faithfulness . . . The second … is to magnify one’s calling. To magnify is to honor, to exalt and glorify, and cause to be held in greater esteem or respect. It also means to increase the importance of, to enlarge and make greater.”

Enlarge and make greater—two words that sound like more work. Is this a call to add one more thing—one more obligation—to our already busy lives? Does it mean we must make the simple hard or the plain glorified? How can members of the priesthood—and the sisters who support them—magnify their callings as husbands, fathers, providers of service in the church, and wage earners, without being lost in the charge to magnify? When it comes to matters of spirituality, perhaps the answer really is to simplify.

President Marion G. Romney, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, once said, “In order to magnify our callings in the priesthood, three things at least are necessary: One is that we have a motivating desire to do so. Another is that we search and ponder the words of eternal life. And a third is that we pray.” Those three things alone are enough to put all members of the church on the path to magnifying not only our callings, but the quality of our lives.

President Gordon B. Hinckley adds, “When we live up to our high and holy calling, when we show love for God through service to fellowmen, when we use our strength and talents to build faith and spread truth, we magnify our priesthood.

“We magnify our priesthood and enlarge our calling when we serve with diligence and enthusiasm in those responsibilities to which we are called by proper authority. We magnify our calling, we enlarge the potential of our priesthood when we reach out to those in distress and give strength to those who falter. We magnify our calling when we walk with honesty and integrity. We honor our priesthood and magnify its influence when we walk in virtue and fidelity.”

Magnifying your calling doesn’t mean adding embellishments to presentations of gospel truths. It doesn’t mean holding a meeting just to have a meeting. It doesn’t mean home or visiting teaching becoming one more obligation that must be fulfilled. Magnifying your calling applies mostly to what happens inside each of us during the process. The benefits we reap by helping others are pleasant byproducts of completing the charge the Lord has given us to magnify.

If we want to magnify our callings as husbands or wives, fathers or mothers, providers of service in the church and community, wage earners and nurturers, we can do so without becoming lost in the charge to magnify. Use the four concepts introduced by President Romney and President Hinckley—have a motivating desire, search and ponder the words of eternal life, pray, and give service to your fellowmen—as the litmus test when deciding what to do to truly magnify each calling, both in the church and life in general. If whatever is calling you to act passes the test, then you are doing as the Lord has asked. If not, then perhaps this desire isn’t really right for you.

We all have obligations that become time wasters, activities that pull us away from the simple life. Look carefully at everything you do. Are there ways you can simplify? Is there a point where, even in a worthwhile activity, you have done too much? To be closer to the Lord, we must have time to look inside ourselves. Our church callings should not pull us away from that time, but give us opportunity to draw closer to the One who gave the calling.

Again, President Hinckley has said, “To each of us the Lord has said, ‘Magnify your calling.’ It is not always easy. But it is always rewarding.”